Worst period of time since i was born...

When my grandfather passed away, i felt sad but not as terrible as now.. Mayb its because that was when i was younger. I was close to him but i was closer to my grandmother....

Until now, i will still tear silently and cautiously so that my mum dun see me as i noe she will definitely feel worst. I only haf her as part of memories in my 24 years but my mum haf her for prob more than double that of mine. Its difficult to hold my tears but i have to. She will always be in my heart....

My sisters and i were taken care by her since we were born since my mum got to work. I always remembered her as a kind and thoughtful person. She will always think about her children and grandchildren first before herself. She always remembered everyone's favourite food and cooked it for us. However until now i dun realli noe what she actually like...

She usually goes for those long walks for senior citizen. It is not as if she likes to do it... but rather she wanna keep all the free goodies for her grandchildren. That fat woman who was living with her threw her things away without asking her... i still remembered how upset she was.... She was complaining that she grab all the things by walking miles (alittle tedious for her age) and yet someone jus threw it away... That is when she quickly gave away her pots and all other things that she kept to her other daughters-in-law. I still remembered clearly that she said "我还没死，我就得分財产"

If i knew that her checkup will lead her to that horrible hospital stay i will definitely stop her from going. She had her bone marrow and that afternoon where all of us went to visit her, she kept saying that she is not in pain. She is alright. Drawing bone marrow! How can it not be pain! It is when the doctors push the big syringe down deep into the spine! HOW CAN IT NOT BE PAINFUL!!!! I noe she kept saying that because she did not want all of us to be worried about her but she still kept her smile... Before she went for her checkup, she was perfectly fine, walking to and fro everywhere, but during her stay at that bloody TT... hospital she totally turned into another person.. Someone who has no strength to walk or even eat proper food. i swear i will never go to hospital no matter how serious my illness is! i rather stay home n die there.....

There is always something that i regret. Being more filial to her... I onli helped her cook during the holidays... I only go n visit her once in a while after my uncle married that bitch... i regretted... i regretted not bringin her to overseas trip wif me... I regretted not helping her and spending more time with her... I regretted..... How i wish i can turn back time but i noe i cant...